Step one...

I just need somewhere to write...

...for those of you who still have a subscription or still check up on this, i'm about to blow your mind with some shit that's finally blown up in my face..

..so a certain someone in my life is now gone. I'm pretty sure for forever. And I'm all to blame for it. I seriously have been in a relation for the past 6 months, yeah whatever you may have been in a longer one, but this one was the most important one that I feel I've ever been in.  I made some mistakes in the duration of it all, but none like the one that happened a couple days ago.  I've learned from all those mistakes and taken into consideration everything that has been told to me by my girlfriend.  I gave her all my heart, but at times not all my attention.  She helped me realize the way I am.  I know some people say that only you know how you really are, but not if you're stupid and blind and in a relationship with somebody who really truly cares about you.

She helped me understand that I am selfish and at times a real attention whore.  I see that now, but it wasn't so obvious to me before.  She brought up the point that since I've lost some weight that things are getting to my head and that I demand attention from other people (girls mostly) even if my intentions were not negative or bad.  I've come to realize that since this is so apparent, I am not ready for a serious relationship.  I can say that I love this girl, and am still in love with her.  As far as people go, she has influenced my life in more ways than some of my family members have.  She has devoted her all to me; love, money, time, feelings, attention..you name it, she's given it to me without question.  But now all of that is gone because i fucked up. real bad. on a scale of 1-10; 10 being the most fucked up....i scored probably infinity, something that can never be forgiven.

I cheated on her.

She said a lot of things that were out of anger, but i comprehended all of it and i now accept it as true. I have no soul, something happened to me and i don't know what.  I'm selfish and i only thing about what i want at the time, even if it meant throwing away something beyond a couple minutes of satisfaction.  Not only did i ruin a relationship with a lover, friend, companion...but i ruined friendships i had with people.  She proceeded to say i don't deserve friends, but i think i just need to re-evaluate how i treat my friends as opposed to relationships, and obey the fine line between strictly friends and something more intimate.

I lost the train of thought i was on but i guess for now i'll move on to the next subject. She deserves better than me.  I even was soo desperate and stupid to try and lie just to keep her. She has given me soo many chances, but this was it.  Not even the fact that she was my girlfriend, but the fact that she was a human, a person with feelings and emotion, i disregarded all of that and lied to her face.  I let my personal wants get in the way of something soo beautiful, her.  I ruined a relationship where i lived knowing she was there holding my hand through all the shit that i had to deal with.  I ruined a relationship I established and pursued in the beginning knowing it wouldn't be easy and that it would be something diffrent. I know i started this off saying that I am selfish, yet here i am talking about myself, but i'm not talking about myself to get the positive attention i once craved.  I am trying to get it through my head that i am to blame for all the wrong things going on around me.  Not only did i destroy a relationship that would have lasted, i put in jepordy a team of people who have to live with us and care about us.  I destroyed my self image to one of an asshole, or a heartless person, or quite simply a cheater.  I cheated and i am not proud of it at all.  I know it may destroy any other female's view of me, but as far as i'm concerned i deserve to be alone right now.  until i get my act together and really can put another person's needs and wants before my own.  not just by words, but by actions.  because i guess to some people i'm all talk...i need to learn how to handle my own.

I need to grow up and be a  man...i need to leave my immature boy-ish wants and needs behind.  I am 21 years old and i need to pick up all the remaining pieces of my life and make something out of it. something i can be proud of and show off knowing i went about things the right way. 

whether or not this all makes sense to you...its okay. it made me feel a little better in a world where i am ashamed to show my face to people who know me. where i know there are people out there who now hate me and are against me. people i once called friends now do not want anything to do with me but to get their fair share of breaking me down.

While all these people are out to get me...there's only one thing i can do. Man up for my actions and take it.  Cuz the first step of growing up is taking responsibility for your actions.

The sad this is...there's nothing i can do to get her back...i'm gonna miss her.

Step one..this time your not holding my hand, but i gotta deal..

..I Love You Rachel Barba

I am...

I don't know what to do anymore.
I am really lost, scared and confused.
I don't know where I'm going. But
I know where I wanna go. And
I am done pleasing other people.
I try and I try and I try.
I am soo tired.
I am soo tired and exhausted.
I need somebody.
I forgot what its like to be comfortable.

I think its coming all back though.
I hope things don't change.
I don't know where my heart is.
I love Long Beach. but
I love San Diego.
I love PAC Modern.
I miss my sisters.
I love my parents. but
I want to follow my heart.

I am going to go to sleep.
I am going to try and temporarily
I am forgetting my problems
I will not run away though.
I have matured and know better.
I will take control of my life.
I have done what I can.
I have doubts and uncertainties.
I will live life regardless...
I will live life...
I will live...
I will...
I...

...am Arvin Florendo Tabula

What it is...what it is

Before I go into any detail about
my life...let me first explain what
made me write this blog.

I got home at 5 in the morning from
Hollywood, and I had an 8 o'clock
class, yeah I know just ditch you say
but I can't, I gotta be the good
student. Anyways, I felt out of it
and crappy the whole day in both
of my classes. Then after I got on
the shuttle...and this is where it happens...

On the shuttle we pass by a park,
any other day I would have ignored it
but today it was diffrent.  Smack in
the middle of the green field was what
I assume to be a grandfather and his
grandaughter. The little girl was wearing
those "moon shoes" that they had when
we were little, you know the ones where
each foot had their own mini trampoline?
Well anyways, the sun was shining and
they were holding hands just jumping
around enjoying what life has given
them and the company of the other.

Before you go and call me a pansy,
hear me out...
I miss my grandpa, he was dope.
He was beyond any words I could
try and describe him with. After he
died in 2004 Christmas Day, I was
down for a long time. Now I didn't have
a grandpa on either side. Well I
really don't wanna get into things, so
I'll just leave it at that. 

As for the club event last night...

DAMN...vip status. PAC Modern
pretty much hyped that shit up and
rocked it. The club itself was tight
and really rad. Even though the stage
was small it was tight. It was funny
Modern just kicked it in our little
backstage room because we were
all tired and stuff. I missed the photo
shoot because I was dancing, and
they had to call me through the emcee
for the prayer circle, after we performed
shit became hyped up. It was tight. PAC
really tore it up and represented long beach.
Ms. Melissa Bernal surprised me, saying
she was sick and was gonna chill, but
she showed, even tho she missed the
performance. Its all good, I can say
that was the highlight of my night. After
all the dance crazy dance partners and
whatnot, the night ended and we all made
our ways to our cars, but of course...
Trish was fucked up..it really is hard
as fuck to take care of her. She yacked
all over Florida's lexus. Then we went to
Denny's in hollywood, which was quite
an experience. Drunken Trish trying to
sleep and strip, half of us were faded, and
they only had one chef and one server.

All in all, it was a great night, we felt
like rockstars, or at least I did. Minus
the drugs and slutty girls and piss drunk
attitude. K bye.

The Arvin Tabula

Hello world, its me again. How
you doing? Great like me hopefully.
Well I am just fine, chillen, as some would
say relaxing, and getting work done
and getting to know some people along
the way. I am honestly trying to keep
up with my work, scouts honor. But
sometimes its soo hard. So I just
try to smile and do as I am supposed
to.  I like walking down this path
I choose. The weather is just right, cold
enough for girls to wear cute layers, but
at the same time, sunny and warm enough
to be So Cal. Anyways, just letting
things happen can be the best way
things happen. Going with the flow
is tight too. I must admit I really
don't want things to change. Its rad.

Anyways, the real reason I wanted
to blog was because of something I
did in class. Yup..my homework. 
Well anyways we did a self eval
or assesment type thing. Without
thinking I rushed through it, marking
a bunch of boxes that are trying to
figure out the simple Arvin F. Tabula
anyways, my results were as follows:

Extraversion v. Introversion
Sensing v. Intuition
Thinking v. Feeling
Judging v. Perceiving

Bold is what I preferred over the other.

Well the combination: ENFP
"Warmly enthusiastic and imaginative.
See life as full of possibilities. Make
connections between events and
information very quickly, and confidently
proceed based on the patterns they see.
Want a lot of affirmation from others
and readily give appreciation, and support.
Spontaneous and flexible, often rely on
their ability to improvise and their verbal fluency."
-Myers Briggs Definition

Well after reading this...I was just sitting
during the lecture and zoned out. Then I
realized it's pretty true.And another thing
I learned this weekend, after meeting another
Arvin (only the 3rd one I know) what our
name acctually means:

First off..
F*** THE BAY AREA
Basically we owned the bay.
PAC Modern took 1st at Battlefest.
I'm soo happy, but it still hasn't hit me.
Too bad everybody wanted to go down
to watch Vibe. If that was the case,
then we should have just competed.
Only me, Ben, Ashley, Hilgard and Hero
stayed in the bay and went shopping
on Haight St. That shit was bunk.

That weekend was pretty much the best
ever. I got to kick it with a certain someone
on friday, go up to the bay, beat the bay area
teams, go shopping on haight, chill, went to school
monday, went to Pomona on tuesday to visit and
support Melissa, and play open mic for her.
Yeah life is bomb. She is bomb.
PAC Modern is bomb. Long Beach...

..ehh its iight.

so back to reality. I'm really trying to keep
up with my studies. I've been neglecting
PCN cultural practice, but now I'll start
going. I was really bummed about not
making it into skit, because I really wanted
to sing. That would have been dope.  With this
semester going really well...I've been thinking
into the future.  Damn what a bitch. I need
to convince my parents to let me stay up here
but its gonna take a lot of effort. I'll keep you
updated on that.

ON another note, March has a lot to offer.. maybe
a little too much. PCNs, performances, birthdays,
club events, practices, sportsfest. I don't know
what i'm gonna do, but..I think i can handle it.

I went to mass on campus for Ash Wednesday.
That was tight, then I went to eat sushi with
Jonelle, I think I acquired another little sister
that I never really wanted, but she's tight. Get
'em boo. haha..I still don't know what I'm giving
up for Lent, but when I realize it, it'll be good, and
hopefully make me a better person.

Oh and by the way..i'm done smoking.
She came along. So I'm done.

This is where I lost my train of thought..
I'll come back later again. Peace.